Diary of an Outsider: Ekaterina Koshkova

[Mei]

((this is a little something for when I'm random and don't have a full story but instead have character thoughts….)


ATC 23
This beautiful journal arrived via post to me this morning from Lady Bluedark. Her note said that she kept a journal when she first arrived in the Empire and that it helped her to keep her head on her shoulders and not be overwhelmed by the change. I suspect her arrival to this place was considerably harsher than it has been for me. Not that it has been harsh at all. Strange, yes. But not harsh. I think it is a sign of the changing ways.

I admit, I've been hesitant to go outside the security and familiarity of our apartment and the theatre. I'm glad they are close. I was a nervous wreck when daddy dropped me off at Lord Vaetana’s ball. Yes, I was invited, and by the Lord herself. But I had no idea who would be there, nor their ways. It was...different. I mean, I expected “different”, but… I don't know. I can't compare events in the Republic to this one.

Though, I did find many there who were welcoming. Lord Metheius was the first one to break the ice. I think it was obvious that I was tense. I guess it's no secret I'm new to these parts. Then there was Karmic, a Sith that isn't big on her title (sort of like Lady Bluedark in a way). They were very friendly and really helped to make me feel comfortable. I can't imagine what my voice would have sounded like if I were tense when I performed my song.

Anyway, they are drilling again. I can't wait for this construction to be over. Daddy said I could choose the theatre's first production. Why in the world would he put that on me!!!? But I'm excited for it...whatever it will be.

I'm headed to Hoth tomorrow. Couldn't they pick a tropical location?

[Mei]

I’m fallin’
And I can't make sense
Don't know how this happened
I can't say for sure

Suddenly I'm incomplete
Should you see me face to face
Should you feel my heart
I'm fallin’

I should head back to Kaas City. But I just don't feel ready. This trip has been different than the others. But I hear a new shipment arrived back home… this time for us. As much as I love the generosity given to the theatre, it'll be nice to have some familiar comforts at home. I need to write a thank you note to Lady Bluedark, but I'm not even certain she will get it. I’m sure there is security clearances that I need. I would love to thank her in person, but I know that is impossible now. I hope she and everyone deployed will keep safe.

My mind is racing. I don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight.

[Mei]

How long is long enough?
I don’t know.
To love someone.
For them to love you back.
Then Death takes them from you.
 
How long is long enough
For the heart to move on?
Does it ever really?
I don’t know.
 
Jack, is it okay?
Is it okay to move on?
 
A piece of me died that day,
Now a piece of me lives.
My heart was given back.
Passion returns.
 
How long is long enough?
I don’t know.
You will never come back to me.
Is it wrong to have met someone new?
 
 
I feel so lost and so certain all at the same time. I feel that, finally, everything will be okay. It’s complicated, and…
 
How soon is too soon?

[Mei]

Its funny what you can find buried deep in your datapad. I've spent the entire day listening to and watching old recordings of my grandparents and my dad as a little boy. He was so adorable, and still has that same mischievous twinkle in his eye. My favorite moment may have been when he fell flat on his face coming onto the stage. He looked maybe five years old. So funny, and I loved how he just got right to his feet like nothing happened. The show must go on. He hasn't changed.

My grandparents though… wow! I wish my voice carried that strong. There’s such finesse and grandeur to the old shows. They really were a road show. There were some old photos from when they were setting up the tent. It was huge!

This really made me think of where we are now. Such modern, fast paced times. I was thinking maybe opening with a concert, but the more I watched the older days, and seeing my grandmother perform, the more I started to feel grounded and in tune with my roots. I don't know when it will be officially announced, but I'm going to tell dad to get the theatre ready for “Jorus & Dyniana”. It's such a classic tale, and even has a nod to King’s Pass on Alderaan. It'll be like a homage to our beginnings.... in a way.

I'm glad I got away for a few days. Too short of days, so they feel. Time is moving too fast, and I do wish I could stay. I can't believe I want to stay in Nar Shaddaa of all places! But I need to be focused. I can't have what's happened here with me and C become a distraction. And he is such a good distraction. But I can't help but wonder what will happen. His world seems to place a division between mine. It would not be safe for him to come to Kaas City, and that is where I need to belong right now.

Has life always been this complicated? I remember the old days, where all I had to worry about was not being blinded by the spotlight and falling into the orchestra pit. Sometimes I miss those days. Actually, I miss them a lot. Will things ever go back? I doubt it. Life moves in one direction for a reason. You can't turn back time, you can't change anything that has happened. I guess that is the beauty of time and life. Its constant, it's predictable yet unpredictable all at the same time. A beautiful contradiction.

[Mei]

Kaas City is so cold, so dark. All I have are my memories to keep me warm until I see him again. News of what happened at the Starlight reached father by the time I returned. I assured him I was fine and it was a misunderstanding. I don't think he believed me, but he didn't press me either. Instead, he reminded me that I am the image of the company, and not just the company, but I represent the Empire.

I need to be careful. We're on borrowed reputation as it is. At least it feels that way. Our name is held by Lady Bluedark. We are not the Koshkovs, we are The Imperial Theatre. We are free, yet we are not. Not yet anyway. We have to earn our keep. And we are under constant surveillance. All in the Empire are.

I knew this. I was told this. But it took me until now to truly understand it.

It would be an incredible risk for him to come here. He said if I ever personally wanted him here, he could arrange it. I believe her could, especially after seeing what he is capable of. I don't know if I can request such a dangerous risk of him.

I haven't told anyone about him. These things you tell to your girlfriends, not your parents. But they are all in the Republic. The Empire is such a cold and lonely place. I miss them. I miss how things were. I tried calling Mirhala on my way back, but she said she didn't have time to talk and that it probably wasn't a good idea to keep talking because she had a career to think about. Mir was like my sister. Now she keeps me at arms length.

All I want is to live and perform.

Tomorrow I go to the stage. Dad said stage 1 was completed just the other day. I can't wait to see it.

[Mei]

I'm scared a lot of the time these days. My secrets. A bodyguard. It's all so different and I get wrapped up in it. Last night was different. I was scared on different levels. Miscommunication. A concept that I've rarely found struggle with. A language barrier unlike any I have encountered before. For a moment, I thought I had lost him. Words cloud my mind, as if I need to retrain all that I have learned. Words are complicated. They overpower all that is unspoken. Motions, actions, these are what speak the loudest.

I feel the time that I am apart from him places a wedge between us. Learning a language is about immersing yourself with it. Here, every syllable of a word is heard, scrutinized and I'm always over thinking. But you can say so much with actions.

He has always protected me, even when he can’t physically be here. The bounty incident at the hotel. Now this bodyguard. Actions. Not words. Why had my mind been so focused on words? If I could have just silenced the stream of dialogue running through my mind, this miscommunication never would have happened. I understand now. Lesson learned.

I was so scared I nearly lost him. Words overpower and they nearly choked me last night. It was when I finally stopped talking that he became clear to me again. Our dance. It had been an unspoken dialogue. It had been the most beautiful conversation in my life. I faltered in his language. Words are excuses. Words stall. Words mislead. Actions. Movement. Feelings. I have the basic foundation, but not yet the fluency.

I hate that I'm apart from him.

I wonder if the archives here have anything on the Echani culture. I want to understand him so completely. I want to understand without doubt every motion he speaks to me. I want to know of his people, his world, where he comes from. I want to know and to understand.

I wonder if Lord Rixus has any knowledge he could share.